03/14/2003 Entry: ""Always... always...""

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I hear a voice say "Don't be so blind"
it's telling me all these things
that you would probably hide
am I... your one and only desire
am I the reason you breathe...
or am I the reason you cry?

Always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can't live without you... I love you... I hate you
I can't get around you... I breathe you... I taste you
I can't live without you

I just can't take any more... this life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door...
and now I'm done with you
I feel... like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things...
I guess I'll see you around
It's all... been bottled up until now...
as I walk out your door...
all I hear is the sound...
Always... always... always... always... always... always...

These lyrics sum up pretty much how Carisa and I are feeling at this point about Jason and Ivan, but I'm going on ahead and typing how I feel. Maybe I'll feel a little better afterwards.

Why do I keep worrying/assuming/thinking about things that are probably invalid anyway? It can't be because I care a lot about them, because what I'm assuming really has to do with me. I hope I'm not being selfish... I hate being selfish, and I hate when people are selfish. But sometimes you just have to care just as much for your own feelings as you do for other people's. And I really hope that's what I'm doing now.

I feel left out... again. And so does Carisa. When I finally told Ivan and Jason about this a long time ago, I thought they'd at least acknowledge the fact Carisa and I exist. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. It's really... weird... Because I don't think they know that they're doing it.

It's really weird, because when I don't include myself in a conversation they're having, I usually end up getting asked, "What's wrong?" And when I leave the lunch table, I hear they get really worried about me. See, I usually include myself in a conversation they're having and I always wait to walk with them to fourth period. But, ya know... when you do something so much and you keep getting beat down by it... sooner or later you want to give up.

And, well, I'm giving up... slowly. And soon I may not even talk to them any more, even though I can barely stand to think of me not having them as friends. But I do have other friends besides them, and I've noticed they haven't hurt me ONCE. Even though going to the people who don't hurt me would be the best thing, I don't want to. There's just something about Jason and Ivan that I can't just let go of. I think about them all the time. I watch for them all the time. I listen for them all the time. Hell, I smell them all the time. =\ And for me to be away from them makes me hurt... but to be right next to them and feel like I don't exist hurts even worse.

I talked to Nathan about this, and he said, "Well, maybe this is how it's supposed to be." If so, they can continue doing so without me standing there and feeling left out. Maybe then they'll figure it out. And, well, if they don't, then maybe I never deserved being their friend in the first place.

I'm going to just skip school tomorrow so I can think about all this... I don't think I can handle seeing them right now, or I may end up saying something I'll regret later. Well, goodnight everyone...

Edit @ 6:41 AM Last night I rememered the two full days Jason and Carisa missed, and I remember feeling so happy to be able to just talk to Ivan. He's usually got Jason talking to him or he just talks with Carisa, even if I'm there. And I... guess that's a little mean, due to the fact I'm dissing two of my other best friends. But I can't help it... There have been so many times before when I've heard "Ivan's thinking about breaking up with you because you guys never talk", and now it's stuck in my mind and won't let go. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, and you hear something that, you know how scary it is... The fact of maybe losing someone can make you do incredible things, like... heh... change for the relationship's sake. ^_^ But of course I don't wanna just talk to Ivan so I won't lose him as a boyfriend... I want to talk to him because I love talking to him and I never get the time. I always get to talk with Jason and Carisa... But Ivan... never. Why the hell does it have to be Ivan? Why not... like... Jason? We get to see each other after school and talk for around two hours, and I get to see Carisa then, plus the class we have together. Life's screwing me over!

But anyway... Carisa and Jason won't always be absent, which means I'm just going to have to be happy with what little time I have to talk to him. It's really strange, but now I miss the times when he used to get on the Internet and we used to talk for four hours straight almost every night. I complained about that so much back then, but now I don't really care. All I want is to talk to him... alone... without someone else being right beside me where they can take away our conversation. That's all that matters to me now is to be able to talk Ivan and Ivan only. I tried getting a class with him, but it didn't work out. Now all I have is lunch with him, but Jason's in there... and Elizabeth... and other people who I don't care to remember their names. And, so, it's just like every other time I see him... And I wouldn't just take him away from everyone, no way... That's what Stephen Holtz (ex-boyfriend) did with me, and I my social life went WAAAYYY down hill. Occassionally we'll get the chance to walk alone, but it's only for a minute or less. And I used to wait by myself at his locker in the mornings, but now everyone has figured out that's where I disappeared to in the mornings.

And I'm sure some of the people reading this are going to ask, "Well, he gets on the Internet sometimes... why don't you IM him?" Ya know why? A long time ago when I did, he was putting up away messages constantly, didn't talk much, blah blah... And I told my friend about it, and she said, "Maybe you're annoying him and he's trying to get you to realize it in a nice way. Other people have life's too, Raechell." And, ha, my whole body went into stage one: shock. I felt selfish. So, from that point on, I've never IMed ANY of my offline friends again, unless it was a complete emergency (homework or something). And now a couple of my friend's keep saying, "Why aren't you talking to Ivan? Why don't you IM him?" Well, now you know... And even though it's possibly not true... He could always IM me, right? And maybe when that happens a few times... I'll get up the nerve to IM him myself and never, ever stop. I don't get on MSNM for nothing, you crazy people. =P Learn to add the hints together.

Well, that probably seems selfish to you people, but ya know... I have feelings, too. Even though my wishes from my feelings probably won't be answered, I'm fine because I know it won't kill me... physically. I'll just try some things that could possible work, and if they don't... then, just like I said before, maybe I never deserved being their friend in the first place.

// comments

you always deserve the friends you have. :D Since you care so much and sometimes they don't seem to, maybe they don't deserve you? *falls* X_x I dunno juss trying to make an encouraging comment since no one else has commented yet <3
Kawaii // 03/14/03 // 03:18 PM