03/20/2003 Entry: "too much pain"

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When I got home after not saying good-bye to anyone, I went to my room. I took off my shoes, and layed my stuff down on my bed. My cat, Raisu, looked at me in panic and ran out. I closed the door, layed down on my bed, and started crying, thinking of what I'm going to type in my weblog.

I've always assumed I was a nice person. I've always tried to put people's feelings before mine, because that's what I think is right. I've always wanted everyone to be happy.

Now, after a long time, I've been thinking a lot about me, my best friends, my boyfriend, and about what's going on.

I promised myself that I would never fall under depression again, but I'm already too late. I have been for a very, very long time.

Even though everyday... whether I'm around or not... my friends are always happy. But, I know, that deep down there's something wrong. And it seems that the more I care, the more that I love them, the more they hurt. And I don't want them to hurt anymore... And... I don't want to hurt... or cry... or feel left out anymore... I just want to be happy like them, with them...

I want to be open with Ivan and not be afraid to tell him something because I'm scared I'll hurt him.

I want to be able to answer Carisa truthfully with, "Yes, my day has been wonderful!"

I want to feel Jason hug me and know that he loves me.

But I can't do this... And maybe... it isn't my fault... Maybe my sister is right: it isn't my fault and I'm just assuming this because I love them so much. I do love them all very, very much... But everyday, it's the same old thing... And I don't think I can take it anymore.

Even though everytime I think this, I cry and cry and cry... maybe it'll be best anyway... if I break up with Ivan and let go of Carisa and Jason...

Maybe then I can reassure myself that they are happy, and then I won't hurt anymore. That's all I want... is for them to be happy... deep down... to be happy...

// comments

Rae? what do you mean by "the right choice" @.@ did you break up with Ivan? Rae, you never told me this. Don't be so depressed. Your not the only one though... Please cheer up. Everyone misses you
Rikku // 03/23/03 // 07:04 PM

I'm the worst in these situations. All I can do/say is this... *hugglez rae to death* We love you rae-chan, love you lots.

ash // 03/23/03 // 12:28 AM

wow... thats the worst case of design block ever x_x
FEEL BETTER HUN!!! *puts a smile on ur face* i hope everything will turn out right :)

coftia // 03/21/03 // 08:53 PM

Whurt?! Raechell..Are you okay? ;-;

Alice // 03/21/03 // 06:21 PM

Aww.. so things did get worse huh? I'll talk to you later, sorry I never talked to you much last night, I was kinda busy catching up on missed skewlwork. Please feel better soon. I hate seeing my Rae-baby down.

Beramode // 03/21/03 // 09:45 AM

raechu, I love you! dont go under depression!!! Try to make life as fun as you can *smooch*

nozomi // 03/20/03 // 08:38 PM