04/16/2003 Entry: "hiatus irl? naw"

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I tried, I really did. I made an attempt and received nothing. Just when you think everything's okay, something goes wrong...

The day started out great. I was in a good mood. A very good mood. I gave Ivan his hat and necklace and a note. I regret the note now because I obviously didn't state anything right.

I'm walking to second period with Carisa. We meet Ivan in the hall and he complains about how Jason didn't come to school today. So, Carisa, thinking to herself, "Oh, this is a great time for Rachel to talk alone with Ivan like she should!" runs off. I thank her silently at that moment, and start talking with Ivan. We have a decent conversation for that short period of time, but I end up being late to class... No biggie.

Third period comes along. I 'skip' class to go talk with Carisa and Ivan. First I suckup to Mr. Stone so he'll let me stay. Nathan comes up and talks with me, then Carisa, and then (when asked) Ivan. I, of course, am not really talked to at all. (Why do I even waste my fucking time to go over there?) So I go into Mr. Stone's office to mess around in his stuff while having Subconscious #1 whisper to me over and over about how my friends hate talking to me. But then Ivan breaks the Subconscious #1's whispers by coming in there with me. We talk some, mainly about Mr. Stone's computer and other things. It was... nice.

I go back to my class because I'm "in trouble for skipping." But I got into a conversation with Mr. Autry, and it seems he let it slip...

Lunch comes. I'm excited. It's the best opportunity to talk with Ivan.

Carisa has already seated herself with Nathan's stuff in front of her. I sit my stuff beside her. Ivan comes up and pushes Nathan's stuff aside and sits in front of Carisa. I cry inside. It's now set in my mind he doesn't want to talk to me. Our talks before... what were they? They had to be fake pity.

But an angel comes to fix my broken heart NOT. It's Brent. Annoying Brent. But... Caring Brent.

So, Brent and I go get in line, I'm totally forgetting everyone else. Why? Because they totally forgot about me.

For some odd reason Ivan follows, I'm assuming because Carisa ran off and I'm the only one left to talk with. (Backup friend #3, I call myself in this position.) But I'm not going to start talking to him after figuring out I'm just a backup. So, I wait for him to talk to me. Does he? Naw.

I talk with Brent the rest of the time at lunch. Standing outside of my fourth period door, Ivan... him... walks right past me. I cry inside. I'm mad outside.

After school. Plenty of people to talk to. So, I talk to them. Carisa and Ivan walk over to my 'group' that I'm talking with, and start going outside. I turn away and hear them go, "Rachel, come on."

What would happen if I did go? I would be invisible... I would get more mad and sad. I'm glad I didn't go.

Few minutes later, I'm walking to call my mother to pick me up. Ivan pulls my hood and puts his arm around me. I should've pushed him away... Why would he do that? Was he trying to make me feel better? Trying to make me feel bad for being so emotional? He says he has to go. He says bye. I say nothing.

I get home and call Jason. I spill everything. I'm so confused, so hurt, so determined to figure Ivan out. Jason's 'summed up' advice: "It probably won't change."

I have changed. I have almost gotten ISS. I have gotten tardy. I have cried. I have hurt. I have tried... And it's all for you.

I don't believe your note anymore... about how you really are trying... about how you care and that you love me. What is love to you? What am I to you? We used to talk. We used to laugh. We used to be okay.

What the fuck happened?

I really wish I could take a hiatus from the real world. I really wish I could figure out what went wrong, and if it was my fault or not. I wish I tried harder in changing for 'the better' for both of us.

I can't give up on trying, but I can give up on you. So far, this seems like the only way for me to be happy again, because it's obvious your 'trying' only happens in your mind. It's your move now.

// comments

Thanks both of you. *Muah* Good friends you are. <3
Raechell // 04/18/03 // 07:12 AM

I'm not so good at the advice either (terrible at it, actually) so i'm not going to attempt anything. Things will be alright at some point, whether both of you stay or one of you goes. It'll never be "normal" again, I know you know that. But it'll be alright, even if it's tearing you up right now. This probably isn't the greatest support, but I don't have any experiences in this filed, asides from me infatuating over other people.. so.. I'm going to shut up now before anything other stupid shit comes out :x

Ash // 04/17/03 // 10:44 PM

sheesh, everything has been real tough on you raechu! ;_; umm...Im not good at giving boy advice, so Im sorry for what is happening in your life right now

nozomi // 04/17/03 // 10:24 PM

well thx steven.

Ivan // 04/16/03 // 09:38 PM

its okay raechu
tell me if ya break up with ivan....

stevie // 04/16/03 // 08:33 PM