Tuesday, February 25, 2003
More pluggz: Nozomia, FF G-log, and Cathy.
Jess, what's wrong? =\ Well, whatever it is, I really hope it just gets better. o_o I guess I'll ask you about it on AIM whenever I get home...
Bera, it's so nice to be married! ::Huggles and humps.::
Coftia, you're crazy! All this blog moving... x.x And all those new layouts. How can you keep up with that? lol. I'm never in the 'design mood'.
Misaki, are you still busy with school and exams? :[ I bet it's hard... I'm still kinda 'carefree' about exams and stuff.
Stevie, YOUR BLOG SUCKS. Fix it, hobag.
Valerie, I'm so glad you're better & back! ::Huggles.:: Too bad we never get to talk... Maybe we can start emailing each other or something? I dunno, I'd just like to talk to you. :)
Oii... I'm in school right now.. bored. I don't know how to do my assignment. o_O ::Stares at the blank Word document.:: Well, whatever.
I hate my domain layout, ugh. I'm going to make a new one sooner or later just so I won't have to stare at that one anymore. =\ Along with that new layout, I'm going to make banners for all my friend's sites. :3 I can't wait to make Ivan-chan's banner, just because I get to make it 'retro'-like.
Oh oh oh! Guess what everyone? I'm finally switching hosts. ^____^ I'm sick of my site being down all the time, or people not being able to view it. So, I'm switching over to Surpass Hosting. :D They seem decent, no? AND THEY ALLOW HOSTING OF ADULT SITES. xD xD Lol.
Uh oh, big assignment was just assigned. o_o I better go now. Toodles.
Raechell / 02:55 PM /
Sunday, February 23, 2003
PLUGGZ~ Coftia, Bera, Jess, and my personal site. ;D
I don't have anything to blog about... so bye bye.
EDIT: Misaki -- sorry babe, I forgot about your new layout. ::Is slow.::
Raechell / 01:43 PM /
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Mmm... why do you never get on anymore? ;_;
Raechell / 08:12 PM /
Friday, February 21, 2003
Today I finally cried, and now I feel a whole lot better. From all the love I received from people who I love very much to the people I barely know, I've finally realized what's wrong with me.
I am a girl who has to work hard for everything I want. I have to save up my money for EVERYTHING, I have to make myself do my homework because my mother doesn't care, I have to push myself to learn new things just so I can make more friends, and I'm usually the one out of all my friends who allows them to be able to do things like come over, get rides home, etc.
And since I work so hard to make my life better, I guess I've finally gotten to the point where I feel like no one really gives a shit.
But now I know they do...
... And now it's my turn.
But today in 3rd period was a good example of why I think my friend's dislike talking to me, though. It's pretty much like this: I go and sit with Carisa, Jason, and Ivan, expecting them to welcome me into a conversation. When they don't, I try to start up a conversation. What happens? I end up moving to talk to other people who actually don't want to ignore me.
How will I handle this now? I'm not really sure... But I know I can't give up... Not if I truely love these people.
But now it's time for me to GET OVER IT AND LOOK ON THE OPTIMISTIC SIDE. :D I love my boyfriend! I love my best friends! I love my 'minor' friends! I love life! Now I just have to rave about it. ^_____^
Raechell / 07:09 PM /
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Here is my 'social' updates:
Carisa - I love you, but I don't want to talk to you or even see you anymore...
Jason - I feel like we're becoming better friends everyday, yet I feel bad because I don't want to EVER take Carisa's place. I don't think I'm worthy.
Ivan - ... I don't think I know you, I just thought I did.
All my 'minor' friends - For some reason all I want to talk to are you guys.
My conclusion so far is that I'm 1) becoming more anti-social by the minute, 2) starting to hate myself again, 3) confused about life in general, or 4) starting to dislike my boyfriend and best friends.
Why would I ever start to dislike my best friends and my boyfriend (for God sake's... my boyfriend?!)? I'm not really sure... Maybe I feel unsuperior or 'unspecial' compared to them, as if we really have no interests in each other at all. Maybe I feel guilty for being so selfish for wanting so much attention... Or maybe I'm just not me anymore, and it's time for me to make a drastic change in my life — friends and all.
I really need to talk to someone about this... And I really need to get straight with my feelings. Right now I keep asking these questions:
Do I really love Ivan?
Do I really like my best friends?
Would it just be easier if I had no friends AT ALL?
Is thinking so much necessary?
And as I reread all these questions... and think them through... I realize that I do love Ivan, I do like my best friends, having no friends would be the end of everything I worked so hard for, and all this thinking is giving me a sickening headache.
I don't know why I keep asking these questions over and over when I've already found the answers. I really really need a friend right now who will listen... But the only ones I can think of are Ivan, Jason, and Carisa... And right now they're the fault of all my confusion.
Raechell / 09:38 PM /
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Eaaakkk, someone commented on my last entry. o_O ::Is scared it's who she thinks it is so she's not reading them.::
Ahem, lo~okie~ whisperSlip.nu
Raechell / 03:07 PM /
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Horoscope: I see this as a rough day emotionally, since the Moon in Virgo squares Pluto, Mars and Saturn. I sense that you have the potential to develop your ideals. The stress felt by everyone today can be worked through in a positive manner. Focus on making the changes that you were afraid to make before. This is a time for major breakthroughs.
Yes... a very rough day emotionally... And now I finally get to get it all off my chest. Ivan, if you're reading this, then I suggest you stop by the end of this paragraph. If you don't, then you may just end up getting mad or something... I don't know, and I guess I don't really care. I'm just warning you ahead of time.
I am becoming an anti-socialist, and I hate it. It's not only with my online friends, but with some of my best irl friends (Jason, Carisa, and Ivan). The reason why I'm not really talking to Ivan and Jason is because I feel like everything I ever say or do is just plain out stupid, nasty, or doesn't make any sense. And the only reason why I think this is because they make it seem that way. I'm very happy their friendship is what it is, but I guess I'm so used to being in the conversation with both of them or just one of them that I feel left out. Is that selfish? I hope not... I don't mean for it to be. Anyway, I guess I'm just confused/worried as to why they give me this vibe that I'm just an annoying girl who never has anything interesting to talk about. Shit, maybe I AM an annoying girl who doesn't have anything to talk about. And maybe that's the reason why I've been dodging both of them lately.
Well, yesterday after school is really when I started assuming all this. Why? Because Ivan and Jason both gave me that vibe, and it must've hit me really really hard. So today I wrote a note to Carisa, telling her about it just so I could hear her advice and to get it off my chest. She wrote me back telling me that she feels the same way a lot of times, too. She also added the fact that she doesn't like Ivan and Jason hanging all over her and talking about her breasts and ass.
Now, I don't really appreciate the fact Ivan does that... but I guess I've never really cared since it's just Carisa. But after school today is when I really just wanted to cry... Jason and Ivan both were all over Carisa, leaving me out (which I'm somewhat used to), which made me tell myself, "Carisa has just betrayed you."
No, Carisa has not betrayed me, because I know she can't help the fact that Jason and Ivan were all over her (and she hates it anyway). But I guess I've just never realized how they never do that to me. Maybe it's because I have a boyfriend, or maybe I'm just a boring person... Which just makes me become just as anti-social as I already am. But... Ivan has a girlfriend... so why am I the only one who's so upset over it?
I'm not really sure what to do now except to just think it through. Right now I don't have any of my best friends to turn to, but today Nathan said to me, "If you need anyone to talk to, just come to me or call me or something! I'm happy to help." When he told me that, I wanted to just hug him like crazy. But of course I didn't because I have Ivan. And speaking of hugging, I've noticed lately I've been... attracted to other males. I think it's because Ivan and I never talk or hug or anything... And hugging is one of my favourite things to do. =\ And since I'm not getting it from my own boyfriend, I go to other guys. That's natural, isn't it? If it is, I hope stopping myself from going to other guys is natural, too. I don't think I could live with myself if I hugged another guy in the same way I hug Ivan.
Well, whatever... I don't know. Maybe I should do one of my huge ass changes again. I've done these so many freakin' times I'm starting get stressed out. If you're confused about 'changes', it's like when Ivan was thinking about breaking up with me because we never talked... Well, I just picked myself up and started talking to him as much as I could... And I ended up very happy and I think he did, too. But then him and Jason's friendship grew into this incredible.. er... thing... and here I am, blogging about it because I feel so useless.
I wish I had Nathan's phone number. I could use his help now, since I can't turn to Carisa anymore. Short advice: if you love your friends as much as I do, don't ever think about letting go of them. I don't want anyone of you to end up like me.
Raechell / 07:34 PM /
Monday, February 17, 2003
Let's all fuck ourselves for you, huh?
I was telling myself, "Why get into this? Shuichi will never shut his dick-sucker." But, hell, why not? John is my friend, Nia is my friend, and I'm in the mood to ARGUE. ~_^
For someone who is bi, you don't have any room to be so stereotypical as to say, "If you're a guy and 'act' like a girl then say that you're gay!" Sorry sweetheart, it doesn't work that way. Why? Because if you're not gay then YOU'RE NOT GAY. Simple as that. You have nothing to prove John is gay. Sorry to bust a tampon, but HE'S AS STRAIGHT AS YOUR ASS WILL EVER BE.
'Ho, ho'... newbie to theif as immature to Shuichi.
Depressed suicidal fuckbundle... Hmmmm... You really DON'T know her AT ALL! :]
No problem in not censoring yourself for anyone or watching what you say for anyone... But stop being such a selfish bitch and understand IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. John can blog about anything he wants, Nia can blog about anything she wants, ANYONE can blog about ANYTHING they want. Just because they're not as immature as you are and say, "OOOooooOo... Let me go rant about this entry Shuichi made cuz this plunger is putting splinters in my ass!" doesn't mean they're going to stop blogging to make your ass happy. GET OVER YOURSELF. I'm surprised the people who actually like you aren't sick of it.
Raechell / 09:30 PM /
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Why when I want to make a layout I can't, and then everyone goes off and makes a beautiful layout? GRRR @ YOU MEAN PEOPLE! ... But all these layouts are so so so beautiful:
Coftia - sorry I don't blog a lot. x.x;;
Jess - what a nice gift, huh?
Nia - I love all of your new layouts! Good job!
Cathy - I haven't got to talk to you a lot, so get on sometime!
Bera - yay, your first layout in Adobe Photoshop 7 (the non-retail version)! :D
Nozomi - kyooote new layout, but I miss you so much I can barely stand to look at it.
Everyone keeps asking me if I've scheduled my classes for next year yet. o.o; Uhhh... I never was told when to go get my classes scheduled. I swear, next year if I don't get the classes I want WITH the people I want, I am going to BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL AND KILL EVERYONE THERE. :o Uhm, no, but I'll be sure someone dies. ;x
Raechell / 03:52 PM /
Saturday, February 15, 2003
HAPPY FRIGGIN V-DAY EVERYONE (even tho I'm a day late). :D I'd have to say this was the funnest day of my life. Carisa, Jason, Ivan, and I spent pretty much the whole day together. We ate at Macaroni Grill (we missed our reservation for Kanpai of Tokyo, lol), looked around at Media Play and McKays, then came over to my house and just had fun (no orgy, unfortunatly). ^__^ Here, I've got pictures to prove it. (#1 - Carisa. #13 & 14 - Ivan! #10 - Jason. #11 - me, of course.)
Raechell / 07:55 AM /
Thursday, February 6, 2003
Garbage - "Push It"
New layout, revised links, aannnnnnnddd more procrastination on finishing my domain layout and VGA shrine. ^___^
I skipped school today, thought some things over, and I'm in a great mood now (even though I'm kinda bored)! I'm really hungry... Oh well.
Mmm... who watches American Idol? :o I do! Julia and Charles... I'm glad you guys made it, but I don't like either one of you, haha. :D I wanted Moesha (??) to win! Oh well, at least Kimberely didn't exceed to the next round. I didn't like her. o.o
Anyway, uhm... Bera-chan, your parcil should arrival in a couple o' days. =D I'll give you all the help you need!
Coftia has a new, beautiful layout (of course it's beautiful)!
Nia has a light and simple layout featuring the very talented BoA!
Cathy is one of my newest friends! ::Humps her.:: Am I still odd to you? :(
Misaki-chan... I miss you so much.
Hi! :D Lol.
Valerie!! Whatever happened, I hope you get better! ::Hugs and kisses.::
Everyone go here. Tis the most hilarious shit I have ever seen in my life. :3
Raechell / 05:28 PM /
Wednesday, February 5, 2003
I shouldn't worry about my sister because she's a bitch... but I love my sister... And I don't know what to do anymore! I need Carisa and Jason to hold me right now... But thank you Jess and Stevie for being there for me instead. I love you guys...
Raechell / 09:41 PM /
Saturday, February 1, 2003
In my stomach butterflies flutter their wings, while deep in the pit of my heart I feel so... scared... Something's going to happen... and I won't like it.
Raechell / 08:30 PM /